News In Brief (The Onion-inspired)
Wife Forgets to Wake Husband Up When September Ends
“It wasn’t neglect really. I just didn’t know if he was alive at this point.” Local wife of the hit lead singer of Green Day is currently under fire for not waking her husband up when September ended, as he asked. “I know he told me to wake him up. But I thought he was just overreacting again.” She states that he has thrown temper tantrums like this before, and “usually wakes up in a week or two.” However this time, he has made it past the whole month and currently is still in a non-medically induced coma. “At this point, I think he would want me to see how long he can sleep. Maybe I’ll wake him up when December ends.” More on this developing story to come.
Local Referee Practices Flag Throwing, Neglects Family Another football season rolls around, which means Jerry Stewart has to say goodbye to his family once again. With their family surviving purely off of his part-time referee job, Jerry has “no choice” but to practice. “This is my second year reffing. With all these new rules every year, it’s hard to know what to blow my whistle for anymore. I figured I’ll practice my flag throwing so I’ll be prepared for whenever a player looks at me funny.” When asked about his family, Jerry said, “Don’t worry, I wash my flags every night after throwing them at targets in my front lawn.” “I never see him anymore, and when I do, he has some far-off stare,” says Mrs. Stewart. With only weeks left in the regular season of football, Jerry will be ready for the playoffs.
